The Sickness Clause

Ladies and gents, I'm up for some Friday Fun again…. and I decided that we need to nominate a special day just for when we need to get out of doing things. You don't want to work? Uh, absolutely. You want to get out of cooking? Hell yes. You want to get out of sex? To-ta-llyyyyy-Wait. What? Who would want that? Only crazy people… but, never mind. Who am I to judge… It's going to be Rita's new law, cleverly named… The Sickness Clause. Because, I'm clever. Duh. It's the Santa Clause that gives you the gift of an excuse to evade anything! Hiccup. Cough. Flu-like Surprise! I've come up with some examples of how to go about using this new law. And how not to abuse it…

#1 Sweet Cookery. I'm cooking salad. Or bacon. Whichever. And, I've decided I've had enough of this debauchery. Wait for your counterpart to move into your kitchen space. Bloop. Bloop. Once your target is in range… bend over. That's it. Just bend over, make sure you're hair is covering your face a bit and make no sound but a soft grunt of disdain. He's going to instinctively come to you to make sure you are OK. You put your arm up just a little bit, as if it's a struggle to even do that, then you say you don't feel well. Leave everything. And make your way to the bathroom. Shut the door. And make some reference sounds of illness. Boom. He will either finish up your kitchen tasks or order pizza… Either way, you're free from it. You can milk this episode for a few days if you're smart about it. Play Candy Crush on silent on your phone for forty-five minutes… only opening the door like you're going to come to the light and then quickly disappear back inside the bathroom. Check your email, text your girlfriends, watch an episode of Big Bang Theory with your ear buds. You feel better only for a piece of that pizza and then your back in bed… fast asleep. The sickness clause. You're welcome.

#2 Co-Worker Wankers. Now, let me start by saying you should never play sick AT work. Why? You look weak, unreliable and mental. Which will never get you that promotion. Ground floor. Or pay raise. Broke bitch. And probably put you on unemployment. Really broke bitch. But, that being said, if you need some time off… or you want to get some asshole that sits at a desk near you, to get off your case, then you may want to instigate the achoo! clause. You don't want to grab lunch for your teammate? You're going to a doctors appointment. Why? You're sick and they can't find the reason for your never-ending pain. Ow. Maybe stress. In your head. Who knows. They won't ask you to pick up their lunch anymore because you're always at a nurse's station. Whining. Your boss wants you to stay late? Your kid has the measles. Holy crap. Or lice. Stay away. Or pink eye. Yikes. You can cling to these stories for up to two weeks. All these shout KEEP BACK, I'M CONTAGIOUS.  Remember, use this one with caution. You gotta pay your rent.

#3 Sick Tits. You're having sex with your boyfriend-or girlfriend-but usually boyfriend, because when has a guy ever said 'no' to sex. Exactly. Now, I don't recommend this every time, mostly because you will most likely confuse the fella and he will start to think he actually makes you sick. And maybe he does, I don't know. So, this actually happened to me once… But, the difference in using this as an excuse and my actually getting physically sick are two different scenarios. Mine, my friends, I actually felt physically sick afterwards. Run to the toilet and hang out by the porcelain commode, sick. No reason. Like waiting an hour before swimming, I guess this rule applies to sexy time. Make sure your food has digested before you dive in. But, after that day, I started thinking… You're being intimate, you get yours, and you're pretty much over the whole act. You want to be selfish today. You want to take a nap. Zzzzz. You want to send him on his merry way. Get movin' Bo. Whatever the case may be, you are done. I quit. You want to 'x' out of this safari session. Hurry up stupid pinwheel. Amidst the boinky boink, you cover your mouth and hop off the train and dart for the bathroom. What's happening? Sure, he'll look confused. What did I do? Is she sick? Did I make her sick? OMG, I made her sick?!  He will be worried about your sudden throw up groove; And, he might even get a complex about his trail ride making you, physically sick… But, oh well, you're off the hook. I had sex with her, and I made her sick. Maybe I'm a bacteria-filled host…. So now you can play stomachache girl all the way to your car and blast the tunes once he's out of site!

Clearly, my confidantes, if you overuse these tactics… you will be found out. Use sparingly. Like salt. Only when you need it. If you're getting sick for two weeks a month, you might find yourself committed to a hospital, starting medications or worse… never being able to use the sickness clause again. Enjoy! My twisted little sickies!