Moisturizer Maven

Photo: Joseph Ascioti

There are many ways to apply moisturizer. You're a moisturizing maven on the rampage after a bubble bath. After a bath beaded- enfused, aromatic moisture sucking session, I was toggling between hiking my leg up on counter -to display my goodies to my male counterpart like a peacock- or just bend over and slather it on both legs simultaneously to be fast and time efficient -which I'm sure any male counterpart would have enjoyed also. Are those epsom salt crunchies stuck to my backside? I thought those were supposed to dissolve in water… Being that so many styles to applying body lotion are prevalent… I started to ponder how each method says so
mething about you. And so I came up with this. Enjoy!


#1 Cowboy Up! This is when you throw your leg up on a surface -counter, mattress or otherwise- as if you're hopping on a horse. Inverted spread eagle? Yeah, pretty much. This says… I'm a romantic. I want to show you- however unwittingly; But more so deliberately- that I'm sexy. Sexy eagle chick? Personally, I think any style of spread eagle would work here. But the inverted one will suffice. Usually, we find ourselves doing this fashionable application to subtly catch his attention. However. Not… so subtly. Whores.

#2 Toe Touch.. This is pretty self explanatory. You bend your ass over and slap on that silkening cream. Face down, ass up. But you do it quickly and without any precision whatsoever. Smack. Swipe. Swat. Executing twice the coverage in one fell swoop of vigorous rubbing. Half of the lotion lost on the walls and floor mats. This is for the girl who's got two jobs and most likely doesn't care about her looks but wants to stay moist in case she comes across a man who might want to sleep with her. Whores.

#3 The Slather Sloth. I need a base layer of lotion. Plop. Now a scented stratum. Plop. Plop. One that matches my perfume. Then, an overlap of body spray. That matches my perfume. Oh, and a ply of glittered, body spray… you know, for a glowy effect. Shiny. Pretty. That must match my perfume. And finally… I top it off with a sheet of my perfume. Spritzed from head to toe. That matches all aforementioned slatherings. Ah, I'm ready to head out into the world and gag anyone in my wake. Cough. Cough. You can smell this sloth before she even enters the room and by the time she leaves you have a migraine. Oh my head. What is that? Not even a whiff from your canister of emergency coffee beans you keep in your pocket can annihilate this stench. And you can still smell her three days later. Whore.

#4 The GentleMAN. Men only offer to apply lotion for us ladies because they want one thing… sex. They aren't being nice, or thoughtful. Indirectly, They want sex. Can I help you with some dick? Thank you Chris Rock. That being said, it still feels good when someone else smears on a scented delectable to our skin. mmmm… Or I'm just lazy. zzzz…. Or a princess. All hail… me. Or I just like it when a dude slops that shit on and I can just lay there like a dead fish. A dead fish that smells of pears and lavender. That's right… no shame. I'm a pears and lavender whore.

and last but not least…

#5 Spray-cial.
A Spraycial is a word I came up with that combines… well, you get it. There aren't really any spray lotions out there on the market -that I am aware of.… Except, sunscreens or tanning sprays. So, I only have those options to pull from here… This is the spritz and forget it sesh. Squirt. Squirt. Rub. A quicker than, by all other means, to glop dollops all over you. Sure, you may miss some spots; But, overall, its a fast approach. Whats a few patches of pasty skin tones amongst friends. For sunscreens, you may have burn spots… but who cares? For self-tanners, you're glowing without the work of laying on the sand for your bronze. You're living on the edge. You're fighting wrinkles and moisturizing all at the same time. You're like Wonder Woman. With a UVB ray fighting spf30 tan. It's a flawed system. Why are the bottoms of your feet and hands dark orange? But you don't care. You're skin is supple and golden! You golden, tan, spf30, UVB ray fighting whore.