Zipper Envy

I bite my tongue. I do. Stop laughing. Are you done? No? Ok.. I'll wait. Wow... Really? Oh geez, clearly, it's hyena time. Keep cackling while I broach the topic... I like to consider that I keep my mouth shut when I should. Although, everyone around me seems to disagree on this. But you have to stand up for yourself as well so if I need to open my trap, I will. 

Well, regardless of what you might think, I do zip my lip from time to time. Less often than not. No zipper envy here. But nonetheless, I make the effort. Painfully. I think I feel a muscle knotting up in my shoulder... 

It's sort of like the breast stroke in lane five. I don't know what that means either. I don't even like pools. Yes, I swam on the swim team in high school but I was naive. I didn't realize how often dogs shed their allergen-carrying fur into the water just simply chasing a ball... Yes. I prefer beaches to pools. Something about the filthy children swimming amongst us mortals and the elderly squelching shats into the isolated body of liquid makes me shudder. That's a mysterious Island I can pass on visiting. Some journeys don't need to be inhabited. Although... I'll happily be stranded on that island with the pec pop of love... Thank you Dwayne Johnson. Without instructions, all men would be lost. And in my case, I have a road map full of bob-n-weaves keeping me elusive to all your manchild charms. Where was I going with this? I continue to stray from my point... 

Clearly, it's unavoidable to escape dirt at the beach. . All through with your insidious laughter, guy who drinks too much of everything and vomits in the vacation pool? That was a nauseating thought. Don't kid yourself, it happens and it's gross.  I think the beach is just better. I can out surf a shark while playing in the waves with dolphins. Dig up a beautiful castle made of sand crystals. Sure, a toddler may have squatted his behind in the moat I've dug around my princess sand palace and taken a huge dump.... But I forgive you. Your a sexy 6'5 man beast baby and you can do whatever you like. It's the ukulele playing that swoons me. Keep it up and I'm a miniature sized moth to your monstrous flame. 

Dammit. I really must stop daydreaming. Why, oh why HBO must you be toying with my dreams by airing Journey 2. I hate you Journey 2. My erogenous zones hate you. But, since I'm stuck staring at a body carved out of the most precious stone today, I guess biting my nails while waiting for Dwayne Johnson's character to take off his shirt will suffice. Sigh. I'm ready. I'm so ready. I'm more ready than you are for that scene. Did you have to do a lot of research for that role? You know what... It doesn't matter. Don't answer that. Just pop your pecs again. Thank you. Oh gosh Rita. Focus. Right. Knowing when to keep quiet...

I've made my point concisely. I know when to button up my thoughts. Keep making that face too... Like you know me. Phhssss.