Dating AND Texting

Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a bad luck dating history. But, for whatever reason, the advice I've given has worked for my girlfriends. Therefore, as I said in my previous post, I was going to provide my new friends with some guidelines and rules when it comes to dating and texting. Now, as a habitual seeker of love -however unsuccefully- I have stumbled upon some things that are just a NO - GO when it comes to dating. I gotta say, first of all, dating me is tough anyway. A secure guy is a MUST because I have my ass all over the damn Internet! Lol But add to that my drive to become bigger and better, constantly working on my next project, oh and this little blogging habit I've got going on... Well, I'm probably destined a spinster for life! But, that doesn't mean you guys have to suffer, right? I can help you find your dreamboat; whoever he may be! (Or she. Mind you fellas, this post will be more for the ladies-catch you guys on the flip side)

So, let's do this: 

Rule #1 Sorry, I no speak text. Never answer a text to go out on a date. This should be a no brainer but some of you heffas get so excited a dude asked you out, you jump at it like a sausage cake just slapped you in the forehead. Knock it off! Even a monkey can dial a phone, so you should be requiring him to call! Your worth it! 

Rule #2 Confirming Your Date. Make sure he confirms the night before AND when he's on his way to where you are going to meet. Nothing is more rude than not confirming the date! If he is more able-bodied than a turnip then he can pick up the phone, call you, and give you the courtesy that he is definitely going to meet you, and is on his way. Respect yourself enough ladies to require a man to act properly! If a man doesn't confirm our date, I won't go. Period.

Rule #3 The "Hey" Text. Seriously… this has to be the most annoying text of all that a guy can send us, am I right ladies? If he's dating you, texting, "Hey," is just insulting. Don't "Hey" me. I'm not your buddy, homie, friend. I'm a motha f**n PRINCESS! Call me if you want to say "Hey." Have a dialogue for goodness sake.

Rule #4 The Text Potato.  So, then there's the guy I like to call, The Text Potato. The Text Potato is the guy who thinks he's got you all figured out and now he can do less. If he can do it remotely, like via text, he will. (similarly, watching tv on the couch surfing with the remote. Get it?) And believe me, if he can think it, he will most likely try it.  Oh… no, no, no. Shake up your Text Potato with some garlic and parmesan! Make him work for you, you're his Queen! He needs to know he can't remotely access you so easily.

Rule #5 Walmart is 24hrs. Not me. If a guy texts you after 9pm, forget it. Don't respond to it. Its says your available for booty. You have no other plans. And, that you have quite possibly been waiting by the phone for his call… or rather his lazy ass text. As far as I'm concerned, a text that comes in after 9pm never happened. Let him text the available "ho" instead. You dodged a bullet and your self esteem will remain in tact!

Listen, this isn't the end all/be all of rules. Adjust accordingly. That being said, I will say, this applies to dating. Not necessarily your friends, ex-boyfriends (which I treat way worse - they had their chance - bugger off jerks), sisters, brothers cousin and most definitely, do not treat your mother this way. She powdered your booty! Plus, she'll probably whoop your butt so call her back right away!


Granted, I have learned these lessons the hard way! And have made many, many mistakes. These are just a few rules to get you started and weed through the bulls***.  Don't reward bad behavior. You are a diamond. You are a goddess. Hold out for the guy that shows exemplary behavior because, HE, will be the one that deserves your greatness! And men/guys/boys, don't email (OR TEXT) me all upset that your girl dumped you. Instead, take peek at how you treated her…you may have deserved it. *shrugs

Text vs. Calling

Nothing irritates me more than texting. If it's something quick that needs to get dealt with fine but if you want to go out, make a phone call. If you want to know how I am, make a phone call. If you have a question, CALL. If you want to gossip, CALL DAMMIT! 

I am not going to text you back paragraphs telling you "what's new" or "did you know jenny blah blah blah" or "sure I'll go out with you" NOPE. Forget it. Don't count on it. Not gonna happen. The art of conversation is lost on idiotic texting. And, while we're on the subject, you can't even decipher someone's tone by texting either! A simple "Hey" doesn't tell me if your in a good or bad mood yet, weeks later I find suddenly that you were mad at me and I should have "known" because you text me f***n "Hey." Huh? Really? 

Now, simple ideas that work for text are: does this outfit match? Also Sent with a pic to view my striped pants with my polka dotted half shirt. Or "ha! Check out backpack guy in airport with the kid on a leash" (also with a pic attached-obviously!!) or "thinking of you", "your great" or even "your a douche stop texting me" simple one liners, or quickie witty comments, jokes, website addresses, or even directions work just fine for text.

But come on people... Get a clue! For me personally, I suck at returning texts as it is anyway, so add a dash of content that I find redundant or full of mindless rhetoric, in a text? It's game over. In fact, keep your peepers wide for a post for how I feel about dating and texting. My guidelines and rules will help weed out the lazy asses from the good guys! Or, at the very least, be entertaining! ;-P 

Just because he's an idiot, doesn't mean I should give up all hope, right?

So, now, I'm back in the dating game. And believe me, these guys out here PLAY GAMES. I'm giving it an alternate approach though this time around. I'm not going to give two shits. I have a lot on my plate and I deserve the best because well… I work my ass off night and day to be the best at anything I do and therefore, require the same from any yokel that may decide to take a crack at dating me! Now, don't misquote me. I'm not the type of all-knowing asshole that won't give a poor guy a break but let's just put this out there loud and clear. I am the type to tell you to get lost if you are jobless, car-less and hopeless. I'm not a shelter and I don't take in strays. Fair enough? Right. So, that being said, when I say I'm not going to "give two shits," I'm basically saying that I'm going to take a stance of caring less until I'm SHOWN by actions that I am cared for, looked out for and above all I find I am with someone that WANTS to be with me. (Did you hear violins? I could have sworn I heard violins.)

I've found that, as women, we tend to love hard even when we aren't getting anything in return. We love even when we are being disrespected and treated poorly. Well, screw that! I've always wondered why I see the 'bitches' in relationships, while the nice girls are being pooped on and maybe these B's are doing something that us nice girls aren't. I don't think it's their bedroom acrobatics, or that they have the frog to prince smooching magic figured out but rather that they all commonly treat their beaus like tissue paper under their shoe. Its the condescending treatment they give their man-children: Get this, get that, no that's wrong, buy me, I want, gimme, you'll never amount to anything, when you stop being a loser I'll marry your stupid ass and things of the like. I got to thinking… men like being treated like crap? This is what gets them to respond appropriately?

Well, while I won't be treating a man like that any time soon, it's certainly fun to think about! (Like, taking a lasso to my cowboy and drag him around by horse… teach him to bring my box of Godiva chocolates to me when I ask for them not when he "feels' like it. Jerk.) Ok, not all dreams can be materialized. But, either way,  I'm sure Mr. Right is out there and I know he won't be perfect. But, just because he's an idiot, doesn't mean I should give up all hope, right?

Keep going!!

Life can bring some unexpected surprises and test your perseverance; as well as patience. This last month has most definitely proved that for me! In an effort to finish up some projects I've been working on… a metaphorical tornado has formed itself, wrecking havoc on my personal life. We have had to relocate, and to say I've found solace and peace for the time being in this relocation process would be laughable. One should never allow themselves to be in a position of helplessness. Never being one to play the victim though, this too, I will overcome. The race continues as I pickup my big girl panties once again into overdrive and acquire the peace I desire around me. I can handle pressure, I can handle working around the clock, but I find myself in an exhaustive state when I am responsible for not only keeping up my responsibilities, work, appearances and keeping my child on track in his own life but also adding to this rigorous pace I travel a place to which we can finally call home. It isn't fun trying to just survive. I've been "surviving" a large portion of my life and while I can handle issues fairly well, finding myself in survival mode once again is causing me to grieve of a life I may never find… Stability. Comfort. Strong family bonds. A Home.

If you find yourselves dealing with some pretty serious issues affecting your lives, I hope to inspire you to keep going. Keep fighting. I could choose to give up all of it and just deal with one problem at a time until it all comes together; But, what would that do? It could stagnate you… It could get you "stuck"…

Pick yourself up. Pull it together. And KEEP going!

I will say, keeping up with my positive nature. I've found a joy in reading some chick literature that has kept me laughing through these challenging days. If you can find the time, pickup "Confessions of  Shopaholic" and "Shoe Addicts Anonymous". These two books offer up some fabulous junk food for the brain and a laughable twist on what - could be - real life dramas. But, funnier…

Pet peeve

I hate when someone texts you from a number you don't recognize and acts like "hey, how ya doin?" Wtf?! I'm pretty sure a couple of scenarios have been concluded as to why I don't recognize your number at this junket. 

1. I gave you my number and you waited so long to use my number I don't have you saved. Fail.

2. We exchanged numbers and I figured out you were full of s*** so didn't bother calling you.. Citing, again, why you aren't saved in my phone. And since clearly, you took so long to contact me, you probably had a different agenda. Which is why I don't remember you or your number. Fail.

3. You were a douche bag who did contact me and upon discovering this,  I swiftly tossed your number AND didn't bother saving it either. 

Dodged a bullet.

4. Last but definitely not least. If you were lucky enough to get my number, directly from me, and didn't use it within a few days. Game over. Epic fail. 

Moral of the story? Don't take a phone number you don't intend on using within a reasonable moment in time. If you just want to f***, say so. At least we won't  have to play the "what's up?" Charade with me responding to you by saying "who's this?" Stop the mind games. Your not that hot and clearly unmemorable. AND if you just be the nice normal guy your mother adores, it might get you somewhere... 

Altruistic Love

Roadblocks come in many different forms… They can come in the form of a literal, physical "roadblock" or they can be much  more subtle and manipulative. You can feel like you have finally found where you belong, yet, have no idea what underlying "roadblocks" are put in your path attempting to destruct everything you have been building. Ultimately, claiming your fate back to where you started. Not belonging anywhere. Or to anyone.  So many times we make great strides to find a sense of who we are and who is meant to be in our lives, and without warning, we are slam dunked into a black pit of sorrow and disdain of having gotten it "all wrong." Throwing out the wonders of our minds with deep curiosity and painful negotiation to NEVER put ourselves in that situation again… Or, the age-old revelation of, why on earth did I allow myself to get caught up in something where all the "red flags" were prevalent? To live with an open heart - with only honestly to run its breath - takes much more strength, endurance, and tears than, ANYONE, who can live in lies and deceit. Those who can callously "roadblock" the ones with only love in their heart do so because of their maniacal incentive to survive… feeding off those who altruistically love. Then there's the ones who live by doing "nothing"… by "allowing" things to happen around them so they can lay victim to what insidious occurrences run their course. Whether deliberate or passively, if you are a painstaking form of a "roadblock" you do not behave in love…

Turn it around. Find the altruistic behavior locked deep inside you. Hold the door open for others, let the car get in front of you easily on the highway that needs to merge, stop when you see someone who needs help. Teach a child to learn independent, compassionate habits that will last a lifetime. Because odds are karma will find it's way with you. Directly or indirectly. Karma can be good or bad. I choose to live altruistically... Regardless of the outcome. Do you?

PATIENCE.

I struggle with my patience today. For the most part, I just keep my nose to the grindstone and plug away at what I'm supposed to be doing with myself. I'm fairly a well adjusted person, generally happy in spirit, and can almost always find the light in a dim situation. Yet, I find myself struggling with what surrounds me as I make decisions based upon the facts shown to me.

They expect you to give your all, yet offer  …nothing.