Friday, January 30, 2015

Poking Ninja Monkey

There's something to be said about those close to me, or used to be close to me, who keep my name in their mouth; like they know what they're talking about. What you know about somebody while you are with them is all it is. That's it. That's all. No before. No after. There's no thereafter or pre-dated history that anyone could make a comment on. Caveman drawings? Unless they were there. Ah, you invented the wheel, got it. I've broached this subject before, and in light of current events, it's clear I must reiterate a couple points. Point one. My posts are not about you. If you think they're about you, then A. You're arrogant and delusional. Hmmm... Drugs are bad, knock it off Or B. Even if a post has similarities -relatable to you- no one else would even know unless you put it out there. Self- shaming in public? Don't monkeys throw poop on the streets of some exotic place? And C. If B applies to you then please refer to A. because... nobody cares. Especially me. But it definitely makes it entertaining for all of us! Monkeys and poo are always funny... Oooo, poopoo flinging bongo monkey. 
A writer, writes from experiences. Yes. But can also elaborate, dream, be grandiose... and even -get this- use their imagination- to give a story, fullness. Direction. Crowd-drawing interest. And even Make shit uppery! I know. Crazy right! For one to believe that all stories I write are about them, in any way, is both ridiculous and hilarious. With all I have going on, my outlet is here. On my blog. For me. For you. For pure entertainment. There is most times, a very small, factual basis, with which I draw; however, this isn't my end all/be all for my content. I'm a creator. It's involved and always evolving. It's Like I'm a literary butterfly. And a cocoon. With the larva... And the sticky icky cocoon larva journey thingie... webbed up on the branches of a tree... You get the idea. Right. Moving on... 

So dear friends... Laugh at what you read. I do. I laugh at myself all the time. And, as Im sure grandpa gets a few good laughs off, when he bought the largest bottle of liquor -and only that bottle of liquor- at the grocery store yesterday...  while babysitting his little granddaughter. At 9:30 am. Literally throwing money at the cashier. Grumpy drunk ass. Smdh. Travesty. Guess he needed that drink. But hey, I could assume all sorts of things. I'd, mostl likely, be dead on thougj... in that particular accident, waiting to happen. But, alas, most of the time; you just gotta take it at face value. We all post on social media in a proverbial codec to convey our feelings in some way. A DOS faction of words to elude and protect those who remain unnamed.... Not that they deserve it; But, you feel me. And Instead saying, I took a poo today. One would opt for, my toilet cried a whole hour this morning. And it is no ones job to interpret those posts, internalize them, nor is it the responsibility of anyone to stalk said postings and try to go all...  Inspector Gadget. James Bond? Lego Ninjago? 
One thing you should never do though? If you post a comment, talking shit... Deleting it -with the misconception that I won't see it...when my email notifies me- it is more cowardly and embarrassing for you than owning up to it. Bottom line... Haha bottom. Be entertained. Enjoy life. And LAUGH. Being a martyr never got anyone anywhere... Eeyore. Foghorn Leghorn. Squidward. Gosh, feels so elementary school, doesn't it? Neanderthal. 

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Hot Guy Hack

How long is too long to text with a guy before moving toward the official date? Well, I don't know about you, but for me? ... if it's longer than a week,  Im over it. Did someone hear the egg timer go off? And I'm already bored. And I burned my cake. And most likely over the new prospect as well. Anyway, I don't care how hot you are. How great a catch you might be. Or how busy you are either. My theory is, if you are interested in dating me... Uh, date me and stop fucking pussy-footin' around. Let's go grab a squash and have a picnic already! Texting me questions deeper than "how's the weather?" Will get you a few days with me of texting but not too much more of that. Yes, I adore fuzzy socks too! And if you're asking me personal questions that are better suited to a face to face? Later gator. How do I like my steak? Oh good grief. I'm out. Taste the dust from my stilettos! 

Recently I met a gorgeous, tall, engaging fellow who asked me for his number and since I found him quite accomplished and -i must mention- very easy on the eyes, I gave my number to him. He texts me that evening saying how he enjoyed meeting me and the great conversation we had, and looks forward to going out. I'm giddy. Like a school girl. Got my pigtails flopping in the wind as I skip down the sidewalk. We go back and forth for about four or five days, the weekend is approaching and still no request for an official date. I like a man who plans. And I will NEVER be available for a guy last minute. So, I'm getting irritated and starting to respond a little less frequently. Saturday night. He texts, "Hey! We are going to the club, want to roll with us?" What the.... Uh, no. But, since sometimes I do have a filter, I reply, "no thank you I already have plans." I know right! I had manners when he clearly did not. Mark it on your calendars, friends. There must've been a blue moon. Listen, hot guy hack, Im not going out with you and your friends. To a club. Last minute. When we haven't even gone out to see if I even like you enough yet! 

He texts the next day. I don't respond. He texts again. I don't.  Til finally he says, "Hey, what happened to you." Heres the bottom line guys, make an effort. If you half ass the energy into someone; you're going to get even less back. I'm  not mothering a guy to be a gentleman because if he is really interested, he will be. And he WILL put in the effort. Unless his mother didn't raise a gentleman then that's a whole other issue... 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Quality Tea Cups

Getting back into routine is like trying to scale a building after being hit with a tranquilizer dart. Uh, yeah... It could happen. Scale a building, I'll aim... and we'll watch what happens. After being off for the holidays, it's so hard to get back into the swing of things! Hey batter, batter! I just want to shop and eat. Oooo... Pretty stilettos! ...And ham! 

But alas, I cannot. It's busy working season for me, and for most of us, out there in the world. Trying to get those taxes done, working on multiple projects, kids need a thousand cupcakes by morning for their class... It's a nonstop gig in January! And I finally took down that damn shrub that was taking up space in my living room. I gotta be honest, while I love the idea of the holidays, I honestly can't stand them. And I cannot tell you how glad I am they are over. Are there any cordial cherries left?  While everyone else has been shopping their little hearts out and putting themselves in food comas, Im the girl trying to put in more hours than I have during the day to get work, finish work, and add more work into my dinner plate. If you read my posts often, you'll notice I have been posting less than my normal five days a week. All this means is that Im taking my posts down to about three days a week from here on out -to sort of, lighten my load, so to speak. Wait. What? Didn't you just say you have added work but now you're...? Oxymoron much? Yes. I'm a walking conundrum. An enigma. Are you new here? Anyway, I am working on a few projects outside of the blog that are taking up a good chunk of my time -which I feel absolutely blessed to have and will absolutely give you the skinny on those at a later date- but this also means I need to allocate my time accordingly, so the quality of my work doesn't suffer. No she didn't. Stop snickering. Yes I totally did. Now I'm snickering. 

Oh hell, who am I kidding... Quality. If you're anything like me at all-which you must be because you're still reading- you already know I'm not everyone's favorite cup of tea. Fuck yo cup o tea! Or quality! Whatever. I am nothing If I cannot laugh at myself... And with that, I bid adieu and welcome everyone into this new blessed, quality tea cups, year! Woop! Woop! Wait, what?